Meanest story nominee: Miss Loretta Lynn has weeks to live.

Publication: Globe

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

For those of you keeping track, this is now the fifth story in two years in the gutter press predicting the death of Miss Loretta Lynn.  What it really means is there is some over-dramatic Judas with a connection to Miss Lynn who is making money funneling mean stories to the Globe and the low rent Examiner.  Here are this week's headlines.

• Loretta Lynn dying!
• New hospital drama!
• Only weeks to live - pals fear

Let me note that it was two months ago when the headline about Miss Loretta read "THE END".  By saying "weeks to live", I've given this post an "Expiration Date" label and I arbitrarily set the date at the end of the year.

Best wishes to Miss Loretta Lynn, her friends and family, from a fan.  I exclude the "friends" who keeping blabbing bad stuff about her to the tabloids.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Robin Gibb THE END

Publication: Globe

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Robin Gibb.  The 61 year old member of the Bee Gees was recently hospitalized and looks very thin, so the Globe gives him no chance to live for much longer. Here are the headlines.

• Robin Gibb THE END
• Bee Gees tragedy!
• Now 97 lbs!

Best wishes to Robin Gibb, his family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Hey Old Timer gossip: Linda Evans loves getting older.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

The headline this week in the low rent Examiner reads 

"Linda Evans, 69: I love getting older!"

And of course we believe her.  Who wants to stay young and pretty forever?  So much better to look like the female version of Mickey Rourke.  If you don't grow older, you don't get the wonderful experience of your creepy husband John Derek, already sixteen years older than you are and on his second wife, dumping you and marrying a woman who could be your twin, except she's fifteen years younger still.

Yes, dear.  We definitely believe you.

Clint Eastwood under attack by FBI!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mister Clint Eastwood! The iconic actor is now on nearly everybody's list of the greatest American directors working today, and according to the Globe, his latest movie, a biopic of J. Edgar Hoover starring Leonardo DiCaprio, has him in hot water with the FBI.

I almost gave this a "planted crap" label, but there is no point in planting a story in the Globe and while Clint may be a Republican, I still think he is way too classy for a stunt like that. I am eagerly looking forward to this film and wish Mister Eastwood every success.

Meanest Story nominee: Larry Hagman fighting deadly disease!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

In March, the low rent Examiner said Larry Hagman had Alzheimer's. Now, the Globe says he is battling a deadly disease. This puts him on the tabloid death watch and makes this count as a Meanest Story of the Week.

Best wishes to Larry Hagman, his family and friends, from a fan of I Dream of Jeannie.

Meanest Story nominee: Penny Marshall has six months to live!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Penny Marshall has been on the Brave Last Days list since last year and the stories about her have been in the Globe. I assumed they thought her life was in danger because of her weight, but instead it was about an alleged cancer diagnosis. In August, the Globe reported a nice story that she had lost weight and the cancer was gone. Here are this week's headlines.

• Penny Marshall dying
• Her cancer is back
• Six months to live
• Race against time to write tell all book
• Then and now pictures

Best wishes to Ms. Marshall, her family and friends. This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Dig up a corpse, why don'tcha? Re-open Natalie Wood's murder case! Again!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

The low rent Examiner calls for the re-opening of the case dealing with Natalie Wood's death, which they say is murder. People with really good memories (better than mine, for example) will recall the low rent Examiner is re-cycling this story from June of 2010 and who knows how many times before I started writing this silly blog. I wouldn't have remembered except the Blogger software let me know the "Natalie Wood" label already existed, though not "Natalie Wood 2011".

The new detail in the headlines is the first cop on the scene asking for the case to be re-opened.

Meanest Story nominee: Sad Last Days for stars from 60 Minutes.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mike Wallace and Andy Rooney! The low rent Examiner aims directly for their old as dirt demographic with stories about these guy who have been ticking longer than that damn stop watch. Here are the headlines.

• Mike Wallace fading fast
• Andy Rooney forced out

For those of you keeping track of such things, Mike Wallace is 92 and Andy Rooney is the snot-nosed kid of this duo at 91.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: More country catfights.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

This is the continuation of the Meanest Story nominee that said Miss Dolly Parton and Miss Loretta Lynn are not seeing eye to eye.

The other alleged feuds are more generational.

Chely Wright and Reba McIntire are not getting along.

And welcome to gossip hell, Gretchen Wilson! The young woman who had her first big hit in 2004 She is supposed to be having trouble with Tanya Tucker, whose first hit was recorded in 1972, which makes this Hey Old Timer Gossip.

She looks like she's in pain. I'm in pain just looking at that outfit.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Globe goes on a rock'n'roll nostalgia trip

Publication: Globe
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The Globe has a "Where Are They Now?" cover story every few months, and this time it's about rock'n'roll stars from the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s. There is no Brave Last Days stuff or shocking secret teasers, so this counts as a positive story from the Globe, the second meanest of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids. Here is the list, none of whom have been mentioned on the covers of the supermarket rags in this young decade.

• Little Richard
• Linda Ronstadt (includes picture of her as a little old lady today)
• Joni Mitchell
• Fabian
• Don Everly
  

and...
wait for it!

• Sam the Sham!

Nice list, Globe. Except for Fabian, I have owned records by all of these artists at one time or another.

Now everybody... let's start it up!

Uno, Dos...ONE, TWO, TRES, QUATRO!

Watch it, now, watch it!

Meanest story nominee: The only country catfight that matters.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The low rent Examiner has one of those grab bag Who Hates Whom stories on their cover this week, this time dealing with women of country music. I'm ignoring the two preliminary fights to make the main event a Meanest Story of the Week nominee.

According to the low rent Examiner, Miss Loretta Lynn is in a tussle with...

Miss Dolly Parton.

Regular readers will know that when I call some lady "Miss", this means I take a dim view of anyone saying bad things about them.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Celebrity hoarders!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Enquirer has had something of a brainstorm this week, figuring out how to turn tours of stars' homes into a negative story. In the same week when People had a standard fawning piece about the lovely places money can buy, the Flagship talks about celebrity hoarders, with a sub headline reading "Mansions filled with animals, old clothes, piles of junk & more!"

Kirstie Alley is mentioned. A year ago, the Enquirer said her house stinks because of all her pets.

And the other rich person to be mocked is Barbra Streisand. People did a story about touring her home last November, with no mention on the cover of stink or clutter.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Goldie's three day sex binge!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

There is a tell all book coming about Goldie Hawn written by Bill Hudson, the father of Goldie's daughter Kate. From what I can tell, Hudson is a bitter has-been jealous of his more successful ex-wife and daughter. In any case, the story that makes the cover of the Globe is that Goldie went on a three-day sex binge at some undisclosed point in the past.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kathie Lee to replace Regis... and he's furious!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Daytime TV is for an older demographic, and that demographic reads the low rent Examiner. Regis Philbin is leaving his successful show and the rumor is he will be replaced by his former partner Kathie Lee Gifford, a development of which he disapproves. Here are the headlines.

• She'll RUIN the show, he rages
• Last Show: Nov. 18, 2011
  

Other sources confirm the last show's date, but no mention of his replacement has yet been made.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Mary Tyler Moore new health drama!

Publication: Globe
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The Globe once again tells us about the health problems of people who became famous back before I graduated high school, which is a very long time ago. They have a picture of Mary Tyler Moore with some unidentified swelling on her cheek and the caption "Photo shocker!" They do not use the words deadly or dying on the cover and they do not say she was hospitalized, so this is just another of the indignities of growing old in the public eye, more or less.

Best wishes to Miss Moore, from a fan.

Meanest story nominee and Comfy Shoes Alert™: Jane Fonda's secret gay life!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The low rent Examiner gets two nominees for Meanest Story this week, including one where they say Jane Fonda has (or had) a secret gay life.

Looking at this picture from her youth, you can hardly blame anyone for wanting to have sex with Jane Fonda.

Personally, I don't think it a terrible thing for a person to be gay and it's better to be honest about it than hide it in a perfect world, but this is clearly not a perfect world. Unless someone is making a profit from being a homophobe or running for office on an anti-gay agenda, I think people have a right to a private life and outing anyone else is just catty and rude, or as I think is more likely in this case, plain old bullshit.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee and Not Long 4 This World alert: Barry Manilow's deadly heart condition.

Publication: Globe
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The Globe editors have decided their readers would really like to hear bad news about the great hit songwriter Barry Manilow. In June, it was a plastic surgery disaster. Now, he has a deadly heart condition.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Problems With Plastic Alert: Plastic surgery gone wrong!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The low rent Examiner goes with a story about plastic surgery snafus, most of them on women older than I am, some who were famous before I graduated high school. There are pictures of Loni Anderson, Linda Evans (pictured above), Priscilla Presley, Courtney Love and Tanya Tucker, all of them looking a bit too much like Mickey Rourke.

Courtney Love is the odd person out on this list. Everyone else was famous in the 1960s or 1970s, while Love's fame started in the 1990s. Many from the target demographic for the low rent Examiner won't even know who she is.

Weekly World News alert: O.J.'s hush-hush prison wedding!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The Sun didn't have a useful headline this week, but it was close. It said Nostradamus had predictions for 2012, but it gave nothing specific on the cover and I don't open these magazines up.

On the other hand, the Weekly World News did have a headline worth reporting, a story about O.J. Simpson's "hush-hush" wedding inside prison. The sub-headline reads "You'll never guess who the bride is!"

Again, I didn't open the magazine up, but factoring in that it's reported in the Weekly World News, my guess would be the bride is O.J.

(Once I had a Secret) Love Bird Alert: Paul McCartney and Doris Day

Publication: Globe
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The Globe runs with a cover story that Paul McCartney and Doris Day had a love affair some 46 years ago. You can read the conversation Sir Paul had with Miss Day online from earlier this month that says he was a fan back in the day, an interview published by the reputable Telegraph from the U.K. No mention of fluid transfer is made.

The good news in this dishonest headline is that at least they aren't trying to bury Miss Day, which is the usual headline in the supermarket rags.