Meanest story nominee: Chaz Bono has four years to live!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

The Enquirer has published several bad stories about Chaz Bono's health this year and now puts the 42 year old on the Expiration Date list, giving him four years to live.  This is a strangely long time for these kinds of stories.  The longest expiration date before this were two years to live. Among the people who have gotten the "two years to live" treatment are Oprah Winfrey, Rush Limbaugh and Chaz' mom Cher.

Here are the headlines.

• Breaking news! Chaz Bono Only 4 years to live!
• Liver damage agony
• Dancing With The Stars made his health crisis worse

Best wishes to Chaz, his family and friends.  This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Miss Loretta Lynn has weeks to live.

Publication: Globe

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

For those of you keeping track, this is now the fifth story in two years in the gutter press predicting the death of Miss Loretta Lynn.  What it really means is there is some over-dramatic Judas with a connection to Miss Lynn who is making money funneling mean stories to the Globe and the low rent Examiner.  Here are this week's headlines.

• Loretta Lynn dying!
• New hospital drama!
• Only weeks to live - pals fear

Let me note that it was two months ago when the headline about Miss Loretta read "THE END".  By saying "weeks to live", I've given this post an "Expiration Date" label and I arbitrarily set the date at the end of the year.

Best wishes to Miss Loretta Lynn, her friends and family, from a fan.  I exclude the "friends" who keeping blabbing bad stuff about her to the tabloids.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Robin Gibb THE END

Publication: Globe

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Robin Gibb.  The 61 year old member of the Bee Gees was recently hospitalized and looks very thin, so the Globe gives him no chance to live for much longer. Here are the headlines.

• Robin Gibb THE END
• Bee Gees tragedy!
• Now 97 lbs!

Best wishes to Robin Gibb, his family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World and Meanest Story nominee: Demi Moore's weight plunges to a life threatening level.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Most weeks, it's the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the Enquirer, Globe and low rent Examiner fighting it out for Meanest Story of the Week, but this week three of the allegedly more reputable gossip rags put Demi Moore on the tabloid vulture list, saying her life style could kill her.  These are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Starving to keep her man
  Demi's daughters fear for her life
  95 lbs. and dropping
  500 calories a day
  Taking dangerous diet hormones
  What is she thinking?
• OK!: Starving for attention
  What's behind (Demi's) dangerous weight loss
• In Touch: Demi's deadly diet

These are co-nominees for Meanest Story of the Week.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha and Meanest Story nominee: Buddhism killed Steve Jobs!

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner tells us there is a "Harvard report" that claims Buddhist beliefs killed Steve Jobs.  It's a sign of how well known Jobs was that the low rent Examiner thinks their demographic, which skews older, more Southern and more dense, will know who he is and judge him on his scary non-Christian beliefs.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Larry Hagman fighting deadly disease!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

In March, the low rent Examiner said Larry Hagman had Alzheimer's. Now, the Globe says he is battling a deadly disease. This puts him on the tabloid death watch and makes this count as a Meanest Story of the Week.

Best wishes to Larry Hagman, his family and friends, from a fan of I Dream of Jeannie.

Meanest Story nominee: Johnny Depp's drinking is out of control.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Johnny Depp may be a certified movie star, but he's not a person the tabloids harp upon. There were some stories about him when he made The Tourist last year and got into orbit around the gossip star that is Angelina Jolie, but only the occasional mention other than that. This week, the Enquirer goes with a story that he is a mess along the lines of Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan, though without the headline making arrests. Here are the Enquirer's headlines.

• Johnny Depp's drunken collapse
• His booze bingeing is out of control

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Sad Last Days for stars from 60 Minutes.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mike Wallace and Andy Rooney! The low rent Examiner aims directly for their old as dirt demographic with stories about these guy who have been ticking longer than that damn stop watch. Here are the headlines.

• Mike Wallace fading fast
• Andy Rooney forced out

For those of you keeping track of such things, Mike Wallace is 92 and Andy Rooney is the snot-nosed kid of this duo at 91.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: The Enquirer and Globe gang up on Dr. Conrad Murray.

Publications: National Enquirer, Globe
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

For the first time that I can recall, two stories get lumped together with a chance to win the Meanest Story of the Week competition, as both the Enquirer and Globe both do everything they can to convict Dr. Conrad Murray of the manslaughter of Michael Jackson before the trial is over. Here are the headlines.

• Enquirer: Michael Jackson trial bombshell
  Dr. Murray's death kit found!
  Drugs, bloody needles, patient files and more discovered in his storage locker
• Globe: Michael Jackson murdered!
  What Dr. Death is hiding from jury
  Official court photo - more inside

I haven't been paying attention to the trial, but it's taking place in Los Angeles. Juries down there are capable of anything.

These stories get a joint nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Charlie Sheen has six months to live! (Friends fear.)

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The supermarket rags do not usually hover over the truly flaming hot messes of Hollywood. If they did, Charlie Sheen would have become a fixture in the top ten celebrities list. The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are much more interested in the love lives of Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Aniston.

But after a flurry of stories in March, Charlie has had only two headlines in the mags since until this week, when he moves from the Brave Last Days list to the Expiration Date list. According to the low rent Examiner, his friends fear he has only six months to live. It should be noted that it was the low rent Examiner that put Charlie on the Not Long 4 This World list last year when it reported Martin Sheen was trying to intervene to save his son.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Demi & Ashton's $290 million divroce!

Publication: Star
Date: 10 October 2011

It was thirteen months ago when Star broke the story about Ashton Kutcher cheating. For a few weeks, several of the supermarket rags piled on, but nothing came of it. This week, Star again accuses Kutcher of cheating and uses the majority of the cover to say it's the end of the marriage. Here are the headlines.

• They've been living apart for months
• Ashton's serial cheating exposed
• His secret fling with Britney Spears
• World exclusive: It's over!
• The final showdown

Kutcher has responded on Twitter with a link to the Public Enemy song Don't Believe The Hype.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

UPDATE: One week later, this story is on six covers, so whether a divorce actually comes of it or not, in retrospect this gets a Scoop of the Week label.

Meanest story nominee: William orders Charles to dump Camilla now!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

In the tabloids, the Camilla Parker-Bowles of 2011 is not so much a human being as a robot programmed to attack her daughter-in-law Kate Middleton. (I know I should stop calling her by her maiden name, but I really haven't got quite used to Duchess Catherine yet.) In any case, Wills has told jug-eared Chuck that he has to get rid of her NOW.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Joan Kennedy collapse after the death of her daughter.

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Last week, two women who were daughters of prominent Democratic politicians both died at the very young age of 51. One was Eleanor Poling, daughter of Walter Mondale, and the other was Kara Kennedy, daughter of Ted and Joan Kennedy. The Globe tells us that Joan has collapsed after this bad news.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee and Comfy Shoes Alert™: Jane Fonda's secret gay life!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The low rent Examiner gets two nominees for Meanest Story this week, including one where they say Jane Fonda has (or had) a secret gay life.

Looking at this picture from her youth, you can hardly blame anyone for wanting to have sex with Jane Fonda.

Personally, I don't think it a terrible thing for a person to be gay and it's better to be honest about it than hide it in a perfect world, but this is clearly not a perfect world. Unless someone is making a profit from being a homophobe or running for office on an anti-gay agenda, I think people have a right to a private life and outing anyone else is just catty and rude, or as I think is more likely in this case, plain old bullshit.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Did an affair with a cop ruin Bill O'Reilly's marriage?

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Back in June, the low rent Examiner said that Bill O'Reilly's marriage was in trouble. More recently, the online semi-gossip source Gawker went public with O'Reilly's bribing the local cops into investigating the cop who was sleeping with O'Reilly's wife.

I have to admit to more than just a little schadenfreude here, not just because Bill O'Reilly gets to wear the cuckold's horns in public, but because this self-important clown is only thought of as newsworthy by the low rent Examiner. This makes sense, since both their demographics have a median age of half past dead.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

[Tee hee.]

Meanest story nominee: Sarah Palin destroyed!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

To give the devil his due, let us stipulate that the National Enquirer is an equal opportunity hater. They can pour the hate on people all over the political spectrum, from John Edwards and Al Gore to Rush Limbaugh and now, Sarah Palin. Here are the headlines.

• Sarah Plain destroyed after new book exposes her secrets & lies
• Todd filing for divorce
• She WON'T run in presidential race
  

I have a hard time believing Todd will divorce her, but I think they are right about her not running. She's in this game to make money, not to burn through it in a presidential campaign.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Reese Witherspoon's brain surgery drama!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Earlier this month, Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car and briefly hospitalized. It was a one day story in the online gossip world and the timing was bad for the supermarket rags. But more than a week later, the Enquirer puts her on the cover with overly sensational headlines.

• Days after being hit by car
• Reese's Brain Surgery Drama!
  
• World Exclusive photos inside
• It could be deadly!

Technically, any strong concussion can turn deadly, but it's rare. For the serious over-reaction, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: The Enquirer gets a Sarah Palin laundry list of scandals from the new Joe McGinniss.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Say what you will about the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, they are equal opportunity haters across the political spectrum. They've slagged anyone in the White House since at least Bill Clinton, they've gone after John Edwards and Al Gore, but also Rush Limbaugh and now, Sarah Palin. They took the juiciest stories from the new book to be released by Joe McGinniss and put them on the cover this week. Here are the headlines.

• Sarah cheated on Todd with Glen Rice
• Husband Todd's racial violence
• Her naked nights with young girls
• She abandoned her kids
  

For those without a score card, Glen Rice is an NBA player and Sarah's alleged affair took place before she was married to Todd.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Barbara Bush's sad last days!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Barbara Bush is added to the tabloid vulture watch list this week because she's missing her granddaughter's wedding. The low rent Examiner is missing the possibility that the elder Mrs. Bush is just a "rhymes with witch" and doesn't like the granddaughter.

Last year, the low rent Examiner said that George H.W. Bush gave his ne'er-do-well son George and ultimatum to fix his marriage before the old man died, so he is also on the tabloid vulture watch list.

Whatever I think of their politics, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Murder shockers!

Publication: Globe
Date: 29 Sept. 2011

In what shapes up to be a very mean week in the gossip rags, the Globe claims that two dead people were in fact murdered, though official causes say otherwise.

Russell Armstrong, widely reported to have committed suicide, was instead executed, according to the Globe.

Promising autopsy secrets and new evidence, the cover story also claims James Brown was assassinated while in the hospital.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.