Bun In The Oven Alert™: More stories about Jennifer Aniston's alleged pregnancy.

Publications: OK!, In Touch

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Some people will point out that sometimes the gossip rags print rumors that are denied but turn out to be true.  This blog exists to point out they get stuff right sometimes and they get stuff wrong as well, with the wrong guesses outnumbering the correct stories by a significant margin.  While the supermarket mags were all over Jessica Simpson's obvious baby bump, they also can't help themselves trying to get America's favorite spinster Jennifer Aniston pregnant, though the actress has denied the rumors.  Here are this week's headlines.

• OK!: Jen pregnant: medical center drama
• In Touch:  Exclusive pictures of Jen's nursery!

She has denied these stories and unlike Jessica Simpson, Jen's denials sound convincing for two reasons.  Jen doesn't look particularly heavy in recent pictures and Jen isn't a dim bulb.

Bells are Ringing alert™: Jessica's wedding dress meltdown.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! About a year ago, the story was being told that Jessica Simpson was rushing into marriage with Eric Johnson, the former football player.  They are still not married but they are still together, so she's at least two points up on Kim Kardashian in that regard. In Touch says she's having trouble with the wedding dress, which could have something to do with her being pregnant and showing quite a bit.

On the rocks alert: The divorce of Kim'n'Kris makes the cover of SEVEN gossip rags.

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Star, National Enquirer

Date: 14 Nov. 2011

 

Fresh trash... on Wednesdays!  Yes, we get a story covered in seven supermarket rags, the most of any story in at least two years.

It's official!  I now hate Kim Kardashian's guts.  After nearly two years for not caring one way or the other, her obvious timing of ending her marriage for maximum exposure in the supermarket rags convinces me that she is exactly why the 99% should consider our modern society all out class warfare.

Here are the headlines from all seven magazines, which should be counted as a clean sweep. (The Globe and low rent Examiner skew too old for Kris, and the Sun is only interested in the End of the World.)

• People: Kim's 72-day marriage: Mistake or fake?
  The real story
  Exclusive details
  What drove her to divorce now
  Husband Kris blindsided
  Just another reality TV stunt?
• In Touch: $500 Million Divorce!
  The shocking betrayal that could void Kim's prenup!
• OK!:  Kim files for divorce: "We're done!"
  After only 72 days!
  Why Kim felt trapped, embarrassed and tricked
  Kris' ultimatum: "Me or your family"
  He throws a divorce party
  Kim tells OK!: "This isn't easy"
• Weekly Life & Style: First interview only in Life&Style
  Why I left him
  An embarrassed Kim: 'There was nothing else I could do'
  Kris wants the ring back: 'She used me!'
  Ex-boyfriend Reggie asks to reunite
• Star: Kim: single & pregnant
  Divorce bombshell
  Showdown over baby ended marriage
• National Enquirer: After divorce papers filed…
  Kim & Kris' wedding scam exposed!
  photo proof inside
• Us Weekly:  My Big mistake
  Inside their final days
  Why Kim almost called off the wedding
  Their nasty private fights
  Did they marry for love or money?

 I have only one comment.  If Reggie Bush really wants to get back into the middle of this circus, he should get tested for concussion related brain damage.

This week's stories about The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Publications: National Enquirer, In Touch

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Here are the headlines about The Real Housewives of New Jersey this week.

• National Enquirer: Teresa & Joe will lose their kids - expert warns
  Joe putting daughters' lives in danger
• In Touch: The secrets that could ruin them
  All hell breaks loose after the re-union
  Teresa catches Joe in a hotel with blonde
  Jacqueline's desperate to hide her life as exotic dancer
  Caroline's plot to bury horrific assault

Bun In The Oven Alert™: A girl for Beyonce!

Publication: In Touch

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

 

In Touch tells use that Beyoncé, who is definitely pregnant, has determined the baby is a girl.

 

Everybody in the world hopes the baby favors her mama.

 

Just sayin'.

Not Long 4 This World and Meanest Story nominee: Demi Moore's weight plunges to a life threatening level.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Most weeks, it's the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the Enquirer, Globe and low rent Examiner fighting it out for Meanest Story of the Week, but this week three of the allegedly more reputable gossip rags put Demi Moore on the tabloid vulture list, saying her life style could kill her.  These are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Starving to keep her man
  Demi's daughters fear for her life
  95 lbs. and dropping
  500 calories a day
  Taking dangerous diet hormones
  What is she thinking?
• OK!: Starving for attention
  What's behind (Demi's) dangerous weight loss
• In Touch: Demi's deadly diet

These are co-nominees for Meanest Story of the Week.

On the rocks alert: This week's Kim'N'Kris news, all bad.

Publications: People, In Touch, OK!, Star, Us Weekly
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The lyricist Fran Landesman died this year. One of her best known songs from the 1950s is The Ballad of the Sad Young Men, which has this opening verse.

Sing a song of sad young men,
Glasses full of rye.
All the news is bad again so
Kiss your dreams goodbye.

I don't know if it was really Kris Humphries' dream to marry a glamour girl, but if it was, I feel a little sorry for him. Here are the headlines about their marriage, barely two months old and already circling the drain, if we accept the stories on five gossip rag covers this week.

• People: Kim on married life: "It's not been ideal."
• OK!: Kris begs Kim: "Don't leave me!"
  His humiliating apology to Kim
  He comes clean about the other women
  Kim speaks candidly to OK! on what she hates about Kris
• In Touch: Inside Kim's fake marriage
• Star: Kim moves out!
  She's sick of Kris spending all her money
• Us Weekly: Enough!
  After a vicious fight Kim tells Kris: Stop mooching and get to work!
  As Kim worries she made the mistake of her life, can she save her marriage?

All the latest mess from Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

In Touch has a whole bunch of stories about the cast from Real Housewives of New Jersey. Since the headlines refer to the reunion show, I assume the show is currently between seasons, so this may be part of the last flurry of stories until next season. Here are the headlines.

• The vicious fights you didn't see on TV!
• Exclusive! Teresa tells all
• It's worse than anyone knows
• Jacqueline skips reunion after a "mental breakdown"
• Melissa caught confessing she married for money
• Caroline's shocking financial mess
  

Bun in the oven alert™: More rumors about Jessica Simpson. Including the gender of the as yet unconfirmed child.

Publications: In Touch, OK!
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The rumors about Jessica Simpson being pregnant started three weeks ago. Now there are more stories, including the original reporter (or fabricator) of the story In Touch saying they know the gender. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Jessica Simpson: Yes, I'm having a baby
  Jessica silences her weight critics by finally revealing her big news!
• In Touch: Jessica baby joy!
  It's a girl!

There has still been no confirmation from Jessica's representatives.

The latest Ashton and Demi drama. With a little extra Bruce Willis goodness thrown in.

Publications: National Examiner, National Enquirer, OK!, In Touch
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! And a special welcome to gossip hell to Bruce Willis, his first mention on the cover of a supermarket rag this decade. Here are the headlines.

• National Examiner: Demi wants Bruce back
• National Enquirer: Tortured by Ashton's secret double life…
  Demi suicide shocker!
  Inside: details of her visit to this church for help
  humiliation pushes her to brink
  Bruce rushes to Demi's side
• OK!: Ashton's cheating: What Demi's kids think
• In Touch: Demi kicks Ashton out!

The big surprise in this one besides the suicide warning is the low rent Examiner getting in on this story. Their audience skews older than most, and it might be the addition of 80s TV star Willis that makes this story of any interest to them at all.

Hospitalization alert: Vivian Jolie-Pitt rushed to hospital!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The Jolie-Pitt brood is in Hungary where Brad is filming World War Z, and Viv came down with flu symptoms and was taken to the hospital just to be on the safe side.

I was going to make this a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week, but since I have found it verified in other sources I decided against it.

Best wishes to Viv and her family.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Britney wedding news!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Earlier this month, Britney Spears called boyfriend Jason Trawick her husband in a radio interview, and several gossip sources are trying to turn this into proof she will soon marry. The couple says they have no such plans.

This week's dish about Real Houswife Teresa.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Teresa Giudice is vying with Taylor Armstrong as the Real Housewife with the most mentions on the covers of the gossip rags this year, and this week noses into the lead. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Teresa leaving the show?
• Weekly Life & Style: How fame changed Teresa

On the rocks alert and Damn You Skinny Alert™: All the Demi and Ashton drama this week

Publications: People, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Last week there were six stories about Ashton and Demi. This week only three. Still, it's one of the most covered stories in the rags this time around. Here are the headlines.

• People: Demi & Ashton
  Working on their marriage
• In Touch: Alcohol abuse and anorexia fears
  Demi's rehab nightmare
  Pressure to keep her younger man sends Demi in a tailspin. Inside her private struggle
  Plus: Ashton's mistress speaks

And a third story all about blabbermouth Sara Leal.

• Us Weekly: The other woman speaks
  My affair with Ashton
  How Kutcher seduced 22-year-old Sara Leal.
  Shocking new details of their X-rated night together

Clearly, this story is not going away for a while.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. And, oh yeah, Sandra Bullock and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Publications: People, In Touch, Star, OK!
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively were co-stars in Green Lantern this year, which explains this picture of them together at ComicCon, where Ryan stares into the camera manfully instead of gazing at the obvious focal point for every other guy in the room. Now they are supposed to be a couple, which allegedly brings heartbreak to Sandra Bullock, who has been romantically linked to Reynolds in several stories that both of them have denied. Blake's brief romance with Leonardo DiCaprio is also mentioned. Here are the headlines.

• People: Ryan Reynolds & Blake Lively: New Romance?
• OK!: Blake steals Sandra's man!
  she's 23 years younger than Sandra!
  Right after dumping Leo, Blake hooks up with Ryan.
  Inside their steamy Boston weekend!
• Star: Exclusive details
  Sandra dumped by Ryan
• In Touch: Blake: How she stole Ryan

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Leann anorexia intervention.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

You may have read elsewhere that Eddie Cibrian is having the worst week ever, but that string of bad news (cancellation of his show, industrial accident, someone crashed a car into his house, ex-wife now a vindictive reality TV star) doesn't even include that his current wife has been given an intervention because she is ridiculously too skinny.

Cibrian might be almost as handsome as Jon Hamm, but Hamm comes across in real life as smart, likable and funny, three adjectives I would not use in Cibrian's case.

All this week's Real Housewives stuff. And there's a lot.

Publications: Star, In Touch, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell and good bye, Jacqueline Laurita! The Real Housewife gets her first mention on the cover of a supermarket rag this year just as she is quitting the show.

Wise move as far as I can tell, though I don't watch this stuff.

I mean, like ever. Not even stopping for a minute while using the clicker.

Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Housewives fight
  Why Jacqueline quit
• Star: Bethenny divorce
  Her mom tells all
• In Touch: Jacqueline attacks Teresa!
  Why she snapped
• Us Weekly: Teresa's plot to destroy Melissa

Bun in the oven alert™: Wills'N'Kate decide when their baby will be born!

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The Globe had it as a throwaway sub-headline, but OK! and In Touch think it's worth a story on its own. Wills'N'Kate have set a date for the birth of their baby. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: William and Kate talk the royal baby!
• In Touch: Kate a baby in June

Okay, we just started October, so nine months from now is early July. Is she like two weeks pregnant? There hasn't been any official confirmation, and it's really hard to set an exact date this far out, so I'm going to give both In Touch and OK! a fail label for this one.

I'll take it back if I'm wrong.

On the rocks alert: Six stories about the troubles of Demi and Ashton.

Publications: National Enquirer, Star, People, Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 October 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The trouble in the marriage of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore is easily the Story of the Week on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, with six covers out of ten. (In actuality, it's six of seven. Ashton and Demi are too young to be of interest to the Globe and the low rent Examiner, and the Sun would only be interested in their marital woes if Nostradamus had predicted them.) Usually when there are this many stories, they point all over the place, but with one exception, these pretty much point in the direction of Ashton's penis. Here are the headlines.

• People: Demi's heartbreak
  Her troubled marriage
• National Enquirer: Demi's revenge - She'll destroy cheating Ashton
• Weekly Life & Style: Demi's kids take Ashton's side
• In Touch: Demi's nightmare: Ashton's love child shocker!
  Exclusive: Mistress tells all!
  Unsafe sex in his car and house
  Dumped her after she found out the baby news
  Humiliated Demi can't eat - drops to 95 lbs.!
• Us Weekly: On their anniversary caught cheating
  Ashton hooks up with two girls at an all-night hot tub party. As they enter counseling, can Demi forgive him?
  22-year-old Sara Leal
• Star: Demi & Ashton: The photos that ended their marriage!
  Demi breaks down after Ashton hooks up with 23-year-old on their wedding anniversary
  Ashton's caught cheating on camera
  17 world exclusive photos
  Ashton surrounded by blondes in his hotel room
  Ashton's lover keeps on partying
  
  And for good measure, here's the picture of Sara Leal, the pretty young girl with the big mouth, both literally and figuratively, who is being cast in the role of homewrecker.

Dancing With The Stars' Lacey bullied for her body

Publication: In Touch
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Lacey Schwimmer! She's partnered with Chaz Bono this season, and this report says she was "bullied for her body".